Talking about wealth is almost always emotional exercise. It can bring on a whole range of feelings, many in conflict with one another: guilt and pride, anger and happiness, connectedness and isolation. Yet one of the most common emotions that wealth (or the lack of it) elicits is fear—fear of being taken advantage of, fear of not being liked, fear of not having enough. The list goes on. And further, the devastating effects of the COVID-19 pandemic has blown the cover off of the United States’ stark inequalities. Over 3 million people are out of work, and many more are without reliable access to healthcare. The 2020 COVID metaphor is apt: we are all navigating the same stormy sea, but we’re in different boats. When your boat is large, sturdy and comfortable, it can feel doubly isolating to have so much security when others are struggling for basic needs.
For people with children, these conversations are especially challenging. Just as you are trying to sort out your own feelings, you also must tend to young people who are acutely aware of social inequities and often have excellent questions wondering why they exist. And it’s not just about those who have less. Even for those who have objectively "made it”, all it takes is one look up the social ladder to see that you are still far from the top. In fact, in our climb up the wealth ladder, our gaze is nearly always upward, toward those who have still more, and it fuels desire to join their ranks. But in reality, it’s a losing battle. I once read a Wall Street Journal article that said the difference in assets held by the top .01% versus the top 1% is greater than that between the 1% and the rest. It’s an incredible perspective, yet we rarely turn around and look at those behind us. We tend to focus on what we lack. Children notice these differences too. While we can’t dispatch with these emotions entirely, we can mitigate their influence in our lives by shifting our focus. Here are five ways that might help you navigate these feelings:
Struggle is OK. All parents want to see their children succeed and not experience hardships in life. That is normal. However, when a family is the steward of significant wealth, that natural desire takes on much more weight. How do we allow for the natural instincts of parenting while also not becoming “snow plow parents”, i.e., parents who plow every obstacle out of the child’s way to create a clear, unobstructed path to success? Allow your children to try, fail, and learn from failure.
Share family stories that do not involve money. Create a family narrative around who your family is that does not involve what you own. Perhaps it’s your family genesis story, or how it came to be rooted in the city you’re in. We inherit more than money. We inherit a set of mores and values that define our family and ourselves as its members for generations. Share the sayings and anecdotes that make your family unique and bind you to higher ideals.
Re-evaluate the purpose of work. If you had the chance to do what you love and not have to worry about being paid for it, would you do it? Most would automatically say ‘yes”, but looking deeper, it may not be so easy to do. We live in a society that says “you are what you do”, and being paid lots of money for your work says what you do is valuable. With wealth, you have the opportunity to rethink the nature of work. While for most, work is a means to an end, but it can also be about purpose, pride, and satisfaction. There’s a prestige to certain professions, but the real challenge is to move beyond social status and focus on what’s right for your child. Be open to their exploration of pursuits that aren’t highly paid. Allow your children to explore work (paid or unpaid) that brings them satisfaction, a sense of purpose, and joy.
Acknowledge your privilege. Regardless of how it came to you, there is an undeniable privilege that comes with having money. While money can’t buy happiness, it does buy convenience. Maybe your kids don't need to work during high school. Or they won’t have student loans while their friend is on work-study or is graduating with debt. Recognizing the ease that having wealth affords won’t make your situation similar to your peers, but being more aware of your advantages also recognizes others who have a different experience. No, not everyone will appreciate it, but there is integrity in honesty.
Philanthropy benefits the giver as well as the receiver. Philanthropy can be a great tool to help raise children with values and position them to have a healthy relationship to wealth. Giving to others reminds them (and us) of how a strategic yet moral deployment of philanthropic dollars can benefit a family for generations. As Charles Collier stated, “wealth itself is morally neutral, but how it is used is what matters.”
While these tips were written with raising children in mind, they apply to anyone struggling with how to make sense of wealth. And there are certainly more. One of my roles as a philanthropic advisor is to help my clients come to terms with what they have so that they can make good decisions in giving it away. If you find yourself wanting to become more engaged in the public sector in general and philanthropy in particular, but are struggling with how and where to plug in, let’s talk.
Additional recommended reading on this topic:
We Need to Talk, by Jennifer Risher
Uneasy Street: Anxieties of Affluence, by Rachel Sherman
Classified: How to Stop Hiding Your Privilege and Use it for Social Change, Karen Pittelman